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Bored!!!!
what an interestingly boring day... I woke at 1030am all pumped to do shit... but decided to stay in bed.. and alas when i woke up it was all gone... i managed to have a shower.. and get on the net and ive been here ever since! Havent seen my horse since the new year.. maybe two weeks.. havent gone walking or jogging (haha im sooo kidding myself there) these whole holidays... have done nyet... and am sooo fighting the urge to be not disappointed in myself... plus im going abit gurly cos i went on a kinda date sat night and despite telling myself the boy isnt my type...theres something about him.. granted he doesnt fit my ideal type.. but he makes me laugh and i wasnt bored... but yeah... this one date has made me girly... rush rush rush.. thats all my brain does... and over think... god im the queen of over thinking... must just forget about it all... yet here i am online.. cos he is.. and waiting for him to msg me... im such a dick.. seriously... but tis ok.. tomorrow im hanging out with Cam and hell be another distraction... and im sure after that day ill have one more reason to be girly lol... doomed doomed doomed... on a positive note.. cams bringing round teacher shit for me.. and will take me to see my horse and feed me hehe so overall im very excited.. cept for the fact he wants to come over at 10am!!!! Evil.. hehe |
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Tis been a while
Wow 6 months... tis been a while... id like to say nothing happened in the last 6 months but id be lying... i was just exhausted and the idea of getting online to write about it.. well i just didnt have the drive... The last 6 months were hard... i broke... mentally and physically... depression kicked into over drive to the point where i barely functioned... i couldnt cook for myself.. wash dishes or wash clothes.. everything piled up.. til one day a week i magically got the energy up to clean it all... Then my back went on me again.. in a huge way... a month out of work... very very bad... its still not good... Its offical... my work place.. and ie my boss broke me... in all the ways above and more... but thankfully as of the 21st of december... i am free of that place.. and that stupid slag of a boss... I will be starting my new job as a teacher on the 24th of Jan... and am hoping to start up my journalling around the same time so that i might reflect and vent on any issues i might come across as a new teacher... other news... ummm got rid of daniel or bike boy... sooo not worth my time... saw way to many islander men today... not helping at all... god i wish i could be back on the island... i need me an islander man again... lol... my puppy goldie isnt doing so good... ive offically accepted that she is old and on limited time... exactly what no one knows.. it could still be years or months.. who knows.. but shes breaking my heart... i know its bad to say.. but appart from my horse flicker i dont think ive ever loved one of my animals as much as i do goldie.. and thats saying alot cos i have 6 amazing animals... but goldie is my baby... she is gorgeous.. and dedicated and gentle and everything i could ever want company wise... if i could take her with me everywhere.. everyday.. i would... but yeah im losing her... shes going deaf and blind and abit senial... she shakes and limps.. i think she had arthritis... shes starting to eat less and be fussy about it... shes lost alot of weight... i really feel like i just havent had enough time with her... i feel like i havent appreciated her these 13 years... i cant imagine my life without her... Let hope im wrong..... and on that sad note.. is hould finish by saying im doing ok.. my depression is under control... im lacking motivation and am sleeping alot.. but im happy and relaxed... 3 more weeks of holidays... :O) im just glad im finally here... I hope everyones well.. and that they have a wonderfully successful 2008... Love Missa |
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Ok so its been one month since i was last on here.. lots been happening.. well i pretty much broke... im still broken.. both physically and mentally... i guess 3 years of work work work and no rest broke me.. i got sick alot and in the end ive hurt my back... so much worse than ever before.. its now a month and counting and im about 50 % better.. i havent been over to see my family in a month.. i cant drive for two long... im feeling slightly motivated tonight cos i just finally got an assignment done... my 2nd last for the rest of my life... but really under all this im in a serious bout of depression.. not so much the wanna cry all the time type.. but the i cant do anything but get out of bed in the morning kinda depression... my assignment will be 2 days late.. and ive never ever been late ever... so that says alot about how bad i am... i live by myself yet my sink has 7 large plates and 5 bowls in it... and i have no clean cuttlery left... i have rubbish all over the place.. and i havent washed any clothes... so its been bad... thankfully ive atleast filled the sink with water.. so things are looking up :OP One small victory for this week.. i managed to apply for a teaching job at the school i did my rounds at... it wasnt at all my best effort.. i had to do it the night before... see above for reason.. but i got it done.. lets hope i get an interview... On other news... i kinda have a man.. well i dont have him but i have had him.. he doesnt want a relationship.. and thats ok.. id prefer we caught up more.. cos well ive suddenly remembered why i like sex so much... but least its something... im still most definitely looking for a boyfriend.. and will give this one up should something real come along... but im not so much in a rush... my lifes far to broken to try and build something with future possibilities... maybe next year.. when everything will be magically be better... or so i keep telling myself... on another side note... the sex isnt really all that good... its funny how although its been awhile i still remember whats good.. and what most definitely is not.. maybe thats why im not to bothered that he doesnt want to be my bf... mean i have ridiculous chemistry with this guy... instant and exceptionally strong... just his smell turns me on.. and my god can the guy kiss... but the sex is all selfish.. and fast.. which would be fine except for the selfish part... and hes somewhat reserved when it comes to sex.. im thinking he hasnt had too many partners... hes had a long term relationship.. so he knows where things go... but its all just plain and mechanical... and all the fun things i like.. he is freaked out about... i mean.. who doesnt like showering with their partner?? I mean really... but yeah... for now hell do... like i said ... despite all this and myself... i am majorly attracted to the boy... so well see.. ohh speaking off boys.. i seem to be surrounded with boys i cant have or shouldnt... did i meantion how hot my physio... seriously... he just proves that i should be dating boys under 30... god is he hot.. and alas just newly taken... Okies well ive talked enough.. hope everyones well... Love you all |
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Beware... im in a massive depression hole....
I thought the drugs had fixed everything... i thought i was magically better.. but clearly i am not.. for i am in a magnificently deep hole... and im having a hugely difficult time digging my way out of it... On friday i made the mistake of admitting that my dog was sick and that i couldnt just wait 6 months til i had money to fix her... so i a psyco freaked out state i found out that the operation would cost $700 and began hitting up my banks for cash... fortunately national came to the rescue.. and gave me cash and the dog was booked in... saturday i woke up and i was a gonner.. i was soooooo down... horribly down... i went to my grandmas and was a horrible horrible guest... massively depressed and snappy.. and just crapp... which ended in my sitting at the kitchen table balling my eyes out.. at which time i had to run to a back room cos i was sooo embarrassed.. my grandma came in and crawled up onto the bed to hold me while i cried uncontrollably for however long.. til all the hair at the back of my neck was soaking wet... finally i got to the point where i could go back out into the kitchen.. and everyone was sooo nice to me... which i appreciate it... see my family never got it.. well not my mum anyways .. my whole life she just told me to get happy.. like its a choice.. but my aunty/friend understands.. as does my uncle.. and it was soooo good to have them back me up when my grandma said i should just 'get happy'... its not that easy.. if it was... i would be fixed now... no one would be depressed... but anyways.. i had ebony over with me on sat night.. for the company and the opertunity to distract myself.. it kind of worked.. but not fully.. i drove her back to grandmas and on the way home last night i was in a car accident... my fault cos i shouldnt have been driving.. my head wasnt right for it... i didnt even see it happen thats how messed up i was.. luckily no car or ppl damage.. so hopefully i dont get hit up for anything.. cos that would really help me... i drove home... bawling my eyes out... dying to get home.. then i get home and check my email and my dad has msged me out of the blue telling me hes in melb and wants to see me... we havent seen each other for 7 years... i wrote back telling him how damaged i am and that the stress of meeting him probably wouldnt help at all... he hasnt written back at all... so im home today.. and im not better.. not at all... tomorrow im going to the doctors.. and goldie is having her operation... so besides the scare that she may not make it through theres the off chance that if she does the bloods they will be taking will tell me she has kidney failure or cancer or some other horrible thing... so yeah... knowing my luck........... |
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mmm im over it.. and lifes good...
Ive decided to keep my last two posts up... looking back on them im slightly embarrassed but as these posts are a snap shot of how one feels in a moment in time.. i guess i should leave them up cos well thats how i felt... as for today... im fine... im living life... i havent met anyone in real time.. and unless i randomly meet someone walking down the street i dont plan on meeting anyone too soon... a guy at work has been rather interested in me.. but i realised when he was nagging me to invite him over.. that unless the guy is someone im really into... i cant be bothered with the whole dating thing... i cant be bothered cleaning my house... or not paying a bill so that i have money to go out with the guy... next year will be different.. next year ill have time and money... so until then... unless i meet someone who comes and knocks me off my feet then im happy as i am... In other news.. my rounds are almost done.. only this week to go... already saying good bye to some of my classes... going to miss the year 7s especially.. theyre gorgeous... i surveyed them today to see how they feel about me and my teaching.. and the survey results show i have a friendly personality, that im easy to discuss issues with and that generally i dont scare or piss off the students... so thats nice :O) I feel loved... even one of the boys who is usually a pain for others.. wrote that he wants me to come back and teach and that he'll behave if i do :O) How cute... |
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Fucking men....
In sooo sick and tired of feeling anxious when i hear about Dom and Robs lives... Dom in clearly living his life.. 5 years on from me.. yet i still get cut when i see him with other girls or talking about them... and then i join facebook.. to keep in touch with him... and find rob on there.. he sees that all my mates on there are boys and include dom.. and that i consider myself single.. cos well i fucking am.. and he goes and updates saying hes single and adds a whole heaps of chicks to his group.. including one that mentions... did you enjoy your trip home??? what the fuck trip home??? to aus?? Ive been waiting a year and a half to meet him and some chick is talking about his trip home?? The worst part about this is that i feel sick to my stomach that i put up with this shit... mean while... ive met someone at work.. who i kinda dont mind.. but i find myself freaking out before it begins... trying to find any reason why not to start it... i swear im farked up... ps the drugs arent working so much tonight.... i have a headache.. and its all just shit... |
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Some random talk about feelings and life and then a survey thing... its pretty long
Im sick... first cold in god knows how long... so im sitting here in the computer room trying to do anything but do the lesson plans i need doing for tomorrow... its 1120pm.. and ive had 4 days off.. in which i slept and watched tv and did nothing else... I barely even left the house... everyone says that when your sick you should rest... but im sure they didnt mean at home by yourself with no one to talk to for 4 days??? Ohh my god.. seriously not liking my life right now... 4 days is a long time to analyse things... I live in the past because i cant be bothered trying to find a future.. im kinda on hold while i do this degree.. telling myself that when its done and i start teaching ill magically meet another teacher and fall in love and all my dreams will come true... I still think about raro... wishing that i could go back.. not because i had real love there.. but because i had a life... i worked and then at night and on weekends i was out dancing.. and i had a man who wanted me... i know it was fake.. i know it was just a holiday.. but sometimes thinking back to then is all i have and its sad... then if that doesnt work i think back to dom.. or thon... i still talk to dom.. and i still get upset when he talks about talking to girls... its been 5 years since ive seen him... we have nothing left.. yet i hold onto possibly meeting him again in the future instead of finding someone to have here and now... I still talk to rob.. and he still promises me the world and never delivers... im surrounded by exs.. who are exs for a reason and apparently the dream of the past is enough for me... or atleast thats what i tell myself when im busy... but this weekend i wasnt busy... i was bored shittless.. and i was alone... I have 2 weeks left on my rounds... they have been amazing.. seriously amazing... the kids are not to bad at all... a little naughty/cheeky and not interested in working... but worth the effort... the only bit that gets to me is that theyre not mine... im only there for 5 weeks... so in the end i cant see how they progress... i wish i was teaching already... cant believe its still 7 months... 7 months of melb uni... then again i cant believe that its only 7 months left... ive been there over 2 years.. and ive survived... being on these rounds ive realised that i have a decent group of ppl i work with... not so much ppl i hang out with outside of work... god knows only a few of them have even msged me while ive been gone... but atleast ppl to have lunch with and gossip etc... made me realise how much id have to do that again at my next job... I really do hope its at this school... my supervisor russell and i get on fantastically.. and he hasnt had anything bad to say bout me... hes going to takl to the principal about getting me a job there... the principal herself has introduced herself to me.. and knows id like to teach there.. and its well known that one of the teachers there is retiring next year... so who knows... Okies.. so anyways.. in the spirit of wasting time... i found this thing in my old blurty journal and realised id filled it in for 2003 and Jan 2006... so i thought id fill it in for June 2007 and compare how im going... December 13th 2003... FIRSTS First job: RJs sandwich shop at chadestone shopping centre... The manager, his parent and some of the ladys there were horrible.. I came home crying nearly every day... Most of them still work there too.. Funny how he always has employment signs up.. cos no one ever stays there... So yeah if you happen to know Chadstone and RJs sandwich shop in the big food court.. feel to go pass and spit on them for tormenting me haha.... First screen name:lol... ummm well it was anus_fable??? which when seen like that sounds very um dirty.. although ive never really come up with a meaning for an anus fable but yeah.. it was meant to be... anu's (my dog) and fable (after a cool song by robert miles... from the ever after sound track... plus I like the name) First self purchased tape: 1927... self titled... I used to take my tape player into the bathroom... sit on the floor and listen to the tape up loud singing to the words in the little booklet.... that was until I played it one to many times and the tape player chewed it up.. I was devistated... First funeral: My great grandma... My grandads mum... I bawled my eyes out sooo much... It was between 10-15 years ago atleast.... First piercing/tattoo: My only piercings are in my ears and my mum got them done when I was a tiny bub.... First credit card: Commonwealth mastercard... maxd out at $4000..... Im currently trying to transfer it over to an ANZ one.. cos its cooler.. haha.. well the card is but no.. the rate is soooo much better.... First true love: Thon.... I thought I had loved before but nothing compared... I was with him for 5 years and it took me 6 months to get over him and then even still Im not sure I will ever be completely... We are still friends.. First enemy:Mmm frankie Johnston.. In primary and high school.. I dont know why he ever disliked me.. He was an angry, smart guy.. who ive heard has done well for himself.. Still dont know why he disliked me so much... And a fucked up chick called Rossette.. who tormented me in high school.. High school sucked... First big trip: To sydney and Canberra and stuff in a bus tour in year 7... I wish I could rememeber more of it... Cos i did cool stuff liek climb to the top of mount kosiosko... First concert: Was those guys ummmm... i actually went to see them cos some RnB group from the US was supporting them... but the aussie group was 10 times better... umm who are they.. ummm... I just went and checked... Human Nature... They were really talentd actually.. they could sing and dance better than the US group.... First musician you remember hearing in your house: nup.. I dont really have any memmories of the music my parents listened too... although I do remember listening to the Dirty Dancing tape on the way to my grandmas.. when me, mum and steven used to go visit.. that was cool cos we must have been under 10 and we knew all the words :o) LASTS Last big car ride:mmm depends on definition of big.. I dont really go for drives.. its usually just to go vosot someone... so the longest lately was Luisa last weeken.... an hour and 10 mins to get the camberfield... Last kiss: Mmmm that would be James... how sad... well no not sad... Cos james just made me realise I should be more picky with who I chose to kiss... much more picky... thus why I havent kissed anyone since... despite a few dates and oppertunities... where are all the quality guys??? Last library book checked out: Some gurly one from Dandenong library... I like gurly books... Last movie seen: Elf last night.... Overall the movie was average but I still laughed my ass off through the whole thing....So much so I was crying cos of it... Last beverage drank: I have drunk sooooo much raspberry lemonade lately... I sooo need to detox....Water is goood!!! haha Last food consumed: I had chicken parm... today for lunch.. I havent had dinner sooo im very very hungry.... Last phone call: Dion miss called me... need to borrow his uniform for Nolan tomorrow.. Mmmm sexy Nolan... (Dougs friend from the Uk... sexc accent.. great guy.. here for 3 months.. and back next year for a year !!! yaaaay) Last CD played: John Mayer... Heavier things... except my comps is retarded and so is my stereo.. so didnt really get to listen to it much... must invest in new stereo.... Last annoyance:Probably stoopid weekend drivers... on the way home from lunch... although work was annoying the last few days..thoufgh im sure its just cos im tired.... Last soda drank: Yummy raspberry... evil raspberry haha Last ice cream eaten: Boysenberry choc top at southland village cinemas last night Last time scolded: Mmm probably my mother... Last shirt worn: mmm shirt? mmmm well im wearing a crappy one now.. but I wore a really nice pink/redish one a few times this week.. It looks great on my boobs haha... Last website visited: pruesaysit.com I AM: I WANT: It all... I zoology job.. a great guy.. a family... Ok so now lets do it for jan 2006.... LASTS Last big car ride: Not so much big... just the hour long drive to my grandmas for chrissy lunch... i dont really do long drives.. Last kiss: An boy at Odeon, probably november last year.. of so sad... Last library book checked out: Dont do the library thing.. love buying them and currently reading a book my grandmother gave me.. Lady Whistle down.... Last movie seen: Cheaper by the dozen two... was very cute.. laughed alot... liked it better than the 1st.. Last beverage drank: Raspberry cordial.. Last food consumed: Waynes beef curry Last phone call: Ratika this morning to tell me she cant hang out.. again im dumped.. Last CD played: Might be Craig david... Last annoyance: Being dumped again by a friend.. Last soda drank: Coke Last ice cream eaten: mmmm vanilla martini from koko black.. soooooo nice.. Last time scolded: either by mum or boss at work.. both like to scold.. Last shirt worn: dont wear shirts.. but the top i wore last night really showed of the boobs hehe Last website visited: Village cinemas I AM: I WANT: To finish my teaching degree.. earn real money.. have holidays.. a good man.. and a family.. i want a big family... Im sooo not a happy person... Ok so now lets do it for June 2007.... LASTS Last big car ride: To my Grandmas again on saturday :O) Last kiss: Nick a few months ago.. very very sad... before that was Bruce.. and that was a year ago... Last library book checked out: Robert Jordan 'the great hunt' Last movie seen: Georgia rule Last beverage drank: Orange cordial Last food consumed: Spag bog Last phone call: Ratika last night... just for a catch up... Last CD played: MIxed RnB cd Last annoyance: Being sick Last soda drank: IC cola Last ice cream eaten: Vanilla ice cream at Grandmas Last time scolded: Probably boss at work? maybe Last shirt worn: Still dont wear shirts.. Last website visited: Blurty I AM: I WANT: earn real money.. have holidays.. a good man.. and a family.. i want a big family... and more friends I HAVE: 6 wonderful animals that adore me.. and one great friend tika... I WISH: my degree was finished now and i didnt have to go back to melb uni.. wish i was teaching now... I HATE: That im alone I FEAR: being alone forever... I HEAR:big brother on the tv in the lounge I SEARCH: i dont search much im lazy... I WONDER: Who made me sick??? I REGRET: letting some ppl leave I LOVE: My animals and basketball I ACHE: For more ppl to hang out with.. for more ppl to make me feel liked and wanted and cared for... (still the same)and i ache for my mum... shes in WA now I AM NOT: a positive person I DANCE: to rnb music the most.. i love dancing.. I SING: around my house or in my car when im alone I CRY: not so much these days I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy.. little bit less depressed these days... I WRITE: not enough on here anymore... I LOSE: I have lost life... i dont live i just exist I CONFUSE: ppl as friends when they couldnt give a shit.. (still kinda true and cant think of anything else) I NEED: a more active social life.. i need to feel loved.. I SHOULD: try to be more positive and get out of the house more.. i should be seeing my horse.. Very very interesting.. all up i think lifes the same except that the drugs make it easier to manage :OP |
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Teaching rounds!!
Hi all im currently doing my teaching rounds... and having a ball.. My pracs going amazingly... my supervising teacher is a 56 year old man who is pretty much the man version of me... god the man can talk :OP we get along soooo well and i spend the whole day laughing my ass off... hes abit burnt out.. and doenst like the system so much.. so he gives me an alternative view of teaching... hes also not at all proper with the kids(ie swaering etc) but they respond to that... hes also losing his memeory so ive kinda become his assistant... i remind him what he has and what he last did... its a running joke between us... and he keeps telling me he The school im at is pretty much filled with refugees.. so the students are a bit messed up...not alot of them will go on to year 11... and they pretty much do no work... but theyre nice about it.. not like at pakenham (where i did my first rounds) where theyre violent and abusive... I start teaching by myself next week... 4 of his 6 classes... ill be teaching 2 year 7s a year 8 class and a year 10 class... should be fun... I'll keep you posted as it happens.. Hope everyones doing ok.. |
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I now even more medicated
So i guess the thing with depression is ... you just dont want to function... you have no drive to do anything... including writing in your journal... its been forever since ive written in this thing.. but today im forcing myself too.. mainly cos alots been happening to me and ive been hiding it.. or more avoiding it... and i figure its better if the ppl around me know... well i think it is.. maybe... For many years now ive suffered from depression.. and it mainly affects me when im stressed and life isnt going so well.. which pretty much includes the last 3 years... anyways ive been to the doctors and to a psychiatrist.. done all that... but ive always avoided taking antidepressants cos well i take so many drugs for my tumor that i just dont wanna be taking more.. and i guess theres the stigma of taking them... i mean... how do you tell ppl that youre down enough to be medicated?? Ive never been down enough to the point of wanting to kill myself... let me say that clearly.. but i do get to the point where i just cant get out of bed... which has been the case this past two months... This past Wed i woke up feeling rather down... and literally forced myself to function.. to get up, have a shower and go to the train station... i got there.. and the trains were all farked up because of a derailment at Oakleigh... and that was it.. i couldnt handle bus transfers and being surrounded by people... i got in my car and went back home and straight to bed... I guess ive been down for a while.. but cos i was keeping myself busy at work or with ball.. i kept my head above water... but being home alone... well i pretty much hit rock bottom... i made an appointment to see the doctor and was only going to talk about the headaches ive been having... and i pretty much started crying the moment i got into her office... long story short.. im on antidepressants.. the doc gave me 3 weeks worth.. and told me that if i come back she might be able to give me more... (this was after i told her i dont even have the money to keep buying them.. even tho its apparently $15 and month...) I left the surgery and barely made it too my car before i collapsed.. and spent the next 30 minutes bawling my eyes out... I guess i had it coming... and that i was just pushing it aside... This entry is abit all over the place.. my brains not really working... When i think about my life.. I can see that things in it are good.. but i dont feel like they are... Im very thankful that i have my family.... my grandparents, my uncle, amy and eb... but i also see that i dont have my mum... until i hit rock bottom and scared the crap out of her.. my mum pretty much didnt even call me... each week shed tell me shed call and then on the monday id get an email saying sorry i didnt call i was gardening.. or something.. some pathetic reason that should never come before her daughter.. but none the less the reason she gives... it took me breaking down and being medicated for her to realise i was a mess.. which is very sad considering we used to be best friends... And i guess the second biggest thing is my money issues... i am sooo beyond in debt... scrimping and saving.. trying to work out how im going to pay my rego in a month and my insurance in two... although i dont openly think about it every second.. i know its in the back of my subconscious.. eating away at me... never leaving me.. Im suprised my body hasnt physically collapsed under it all.. i guess i should be thankful for that... I have an assignment due in 2 weeks that i havent been able to start... my rounds are in 2 weeks too... and i just cant seem to function... guess well just have to see if these drugs make a difference... |
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Boys and boys
I wrote this on my Xanga page... Why is it that the only boys i like these days are overseas? I swear.... Rob? Ezzy? Dom? Id love to just meet one guy like these ones who actually lives in Oz... and what is it with me and Mechanical engineers?? I seem to have a thing for mechanical engineers.. even if that job means they work in other countries like India and England :oP Am slightly frustrated... all this flirting and such is making me frustrated... what I wouldnt give to have someone here in real time... Then again as i realised from my last relationship a month ago... im actually enjoying my life.. and im very very busy... i always thought i needed a guy.. but after Nick.. ive realised i can make so without one.. and at the very least if im going to let one into my life.. then he needs to be as good as one of those guys previously mentioned.. cos if hes not.. then im most likely going to want to chose sleep over him.. which im afraid was poor Nicks lot in life.... Im not sure if its a chick thing... a kinda cry for attention... or maybe its just that i only do it when im feeling girly... and needing attention.. anyways... the only person who reads my xanga or might is Dom... i guess if im honest... i wanted him to read it and for just a moment wonder who rob and ezzy are.. and for him to read that i actually just broke up with someone.. that i am dating at that im not sitting her waiting for him.. even if i kinda am... I guess i wanted him to feel a twinge.. of something.. anything that makes him realise im not just an ex from 5 years ago... but an opportunity that he is missing... i know he wont think any of this... its a stupid thing i do... where by i set tests for boys i like.. hoping theyll magically pass... but they never do... So its been two weeks since my last confession.. and well.. lots and nothing have both happened... i didnt hear from Nick for ages.. til one random msg where he asked if he had ruined him chance with me... i told him to write me an email explaining what was going on with him.. it took him a week to write it.. and well turns out the boy is farked up.. and shouldnt be dating in the first place... i understand his issues.. and can see how dating would be impossibly hard... but well i guess i dodged a bullet.. and im thank full for that... cos if i had gone ahead with being with him.. out of loneliness and cos my mates liked him.. even when i didnt.. then i wouldnt sorely regretted it.. as it stands ive just told him that i couldnt be with him anyways.. cos quite frankly i need a man... someone who knows what they want and has the confidence to come after me... someone who i just have to have.. no matter what... and he just isnt that guy.. at all... so yeah.. we could stay friends.. if hes man enough for that.. will see... Dom and i have been chatting for 2 weeks now... i went abit girly.. got excited bout him.. and his talkings out loud... he always talks about what he dreams of doing but he just doesnt have the balls to do so... so i got frustrated and angry.. we sorted it out.. hes still living his life.. and the idea that i might come over to see him.. wont stop him from trying to find a partner.. we both agree.. that if we were in the same country it would be on... but since that isnt the case and wont be for atleast a year and 3/4 then well... we both just need to live our lives... i just wish.. it wouldve just been nicer.. if he locked himself up til then and waited for me haha.. but not going to happen... Rob and i are msging again... im trying not to fall for him again.. i guess im just lonely... and msgs from a boy who only disappoints is better than a silent mobile.. i couldnt not handle a silent mobile.... not right now... So it seems to be going ok... lots of msgs.. no real chatting as such.. he keeps droping hints that he will be coming to visit oz soon but hes been doing so for year and 4 months.. so its all just bullshit til it happens.. Work is ok ish... its busy... theres an influx of boys recently.. so thats keeping things fun.. were having a social pizza, popcorn and movie night at work on monday.. so that should be heaps of fun... You can tell im frustrated.. everything is boys boys boys... My family are lovely.. family lunch yesterday...w as there for near 12 hours.. was lovely... my animals are ok.. goldie is showing her 13 years... thank god the heat is going cos shes having trouble with breathing and such... Flicker has lost way too much weight... have to keep an eye on him.. there just no pasture left... bball is going ok.. i love my girls... had a run in with vikki.. but im thinking its sorted... i swear when that friendship is good.. its great.. but when she has an issue.. shes abit much... sometimes i think its just better to keep her happy than to go through the crapp of living my life when i have to run into her at bball all the time... guess time will tell... Anyways... i should actually be doing homework... Hope everyones well luv Miss |
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im ok... ohh and heres my new website
So its a new day and im actually not to bad.. maybe cos ive made a point of getting up with a purpose.. and im online chatting to friends.. or maybe i just didnt actually like the guy and its no real loss... who knows but im ok today... im bit frightenly fine actually.. last night i rang Dom to talk to him before bed.. for an hour.. mmm bad phone bills.. but it was nice.. this morning i loged onto his website and saw pics of him.. which lead me to set up my own xanga site... the link is... http://www.xanga.com/missas_fable I think im going to use it as a kinda document to my life.. photos wise.. and kinda days or outtings ill chuck in there.. i certainly wont be using it like a journal as i do here.. im not exactly ready to have dom reading this... but its a way to keep in contact with him.. and a way for me to keep him interested.. maybe... you can follow the page to his.. he's under 'subscriptions' down the left hand side... Inlarxg... check him out... ohh the teddy bear picture was put there specially for me.. its a teddy i got made for him before he left to go home to england.. it was stuffed with material that smelt like my perfume.. so he could remember me... I gave it to him 5 years ago and he still has it.. and bert the bear has travels more places in the world than i have... but yeah.. that photo was for me... makes me feel loved... So yeah im doing ok.. just wanted to check in and say soo... the neighbours are playing weird old ppls music... so dont want to hear it... should tell them to turn it down... okies.. im off like a dirty shirt... hehe i was watching pretty in pink last night.... go duckie!!!! Love ya |
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Im abit better... 2 hours later...
Its a few hours since my last post... im feeling abit more calm.. less sick to my stomach... im talking to ezzy on the net.. he makes me smile.. he makes me feel like im not horrible.. he also lives in sweden or something hehe... he is lovely tho.. i managed not to talk to rob.. not cos i didnt try but cos he phone is out of service... i think ill call dom when i get off here.. i need to hear his voice.. i need some kind of clue that im still out there and someone still wants me... Its going to be hard to wake up tomorrow cos i know ill think of nick.. or the fact that i have no msg... and ill be lonely... im big on possibility... on needing one to keep me happy or atleast fighting off the loneliness.. tomorrows gonna be hard when i realise there is none... I could follow up my convo with dom... we tend to get caught up in each other when we talk alot.. i could call him.. and try and start something again... and maybe he will come back to oz... it would solve everything if he did... i could love him again.. he is a man worthy of my time... hes a man i could marry... life would be so simple if i could have him again.. but alas its not... he is in england :P and if he doesnt come to oz soon... hell meet someone and well never be again.... im feeling ok.. sorry bout the mad... sick to my stomach post before... i cant promise ill be ok tomorrow.. but im managing tonight... Love you all |
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I hate boys
So its been a month since ive updated.. cos ive pretty much had a life kinda... Dated nick for 3 weeks.. tonight he tells me that he thinks hes just trying to force me and him.. that i dont have time for him... and that he doesnt want to be my handbag... im gutted.. not because im losing him... but because im single again.. and alone... with no possibilities... i wanna call rob.. just so i can talk to someone who likes me... i feel sick... I had a good day at my grandparents.. i got to see amy... she makes me smile.. I feel sick... Life just got a whole lot worse... i shouldnt never had tried.. leting someone in.. only makes me get hopeful.. and then it all just blows up in my face... Dom called me today... he rang me for 4 hours... on my mobile from england.. we said alot of nice things.. he made me remember how much i had loved him... he talked about coming to oz... but it never happens... I think im going to go to bed.. i feel sick... PS why start something if your not interested??? Why make a move??? Why make someone think ahead if your not going to follow through??? I dont know why i try... at all... |
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So this has been an average week... and im happy to report that it hasnt kicked off any depression!!!! yaaay for me... I was sick this week... ridiculously sick... on forte tablets.. ive shared that already... So then i go back to work on wed.. and its an ok day ish... thursday i have my pdf.. and im such a dickhead for expecting that my accomplishments would get me a patt on the back... i wrote it all out in plain english so the boss was forced to acknowledge them.. and instead she told me i wrote to much that i should use dot point... and half the stuff that i did on my own.. she said that carol help with???? WTF... i guess its on me that i expected more... i mean just cos shes been happy in life and smiling at me.. doesnt mean ill get acknowledgement.... Instead.. they make me cry.... like a dickhead.. and not small silent tears.. i mean sobbing screwing face up tears... The boss pulls out a page of all the days i had off last year.. 3 weeks to be exact... and no where on it does she distinguish that twice for nearly 2 of those whole weeks was my back damaged.. FROM WORK!!!! all it shows is heaps of time off... no where does it show that i have BRAIN TUMOR!!! and thus headaches... no where does it say but atleast she didnt get the flu or a cold.. cos in that sense im perfectly healthy... i just happen to be faulty on the inside and none of it is my fault.... sooo mmmm i got grilled bout my headache.. theyve gone to HR to find out about counselling... they asked if i needed it???? They said they could cut back my hours.. if its too much for me???? It was ridiculous.. she spent 2 mins brushing over all id done in a year and an hour making me cry about conditions i have no control over... So anyways then i go to lunch with a group of ppl... including carol.. and theyre talking about how unfair it is... and they say.. but your allowed to have sick leave.. you still have sick leave owing.. whats the big deal.. and im like well its cos im the only one who gets sick.. carol never gets sick.. and carol pipes up.. ohh no i do get sick i just have a high tolerance than you... and thankfully.. one of the other girls pipes up and says.. but its a different kind of sick.. and im like yes.. finally... CAROL>>>> YOU DO NOT HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!!!!!!! but as far as shes concerned im just a sook.. ohh forgot to mention.. when i did get back to work.. he first comment was.. ohh you picked a great time to have a long weekend.. we have no pracs???? WTF.. no are you better... nothing... And then cos as if the women in my lab arent bad enough.. i forgot to put something in an email today.. that i sent for the boss.. she comes storming out of her office to tell me what i did wrong.. i admit i missed something.. go to tell her why i missed it.. she waves her hand in my face.. cuts me off mid sentence and says i dont care... i give this to you to do.. and you should do it right.. i dont want your excuses.... I swear.. im not at all snippy to the ppl in my lab.. not at all.. i dont have it in me to make snid comments... but these women are shocking... thank god i only hopefully have one year.. less than a year.. and no pdf ever again too :O) yaaaaaaaaaay for me!!!!!! in other news... the cookislands dvd came tonight... i watched it.. and it made me cry.. i was dreading and hoping that someone would put a pic of me and bruce in it .. and they did.. it made me catch my breath... it hurt.. but it was nice.. and not just to see him... but to have him and i acknowledged :O) boy did it make me miss the island tho... god i wish i could be there... i think i wouldnt miss it so much if i wasnt lonely... i mean im doing ok... i seem to be surrounded by ppl.. but i still wake up on a sat morning and rarely have anything or anyone planned.. and i have no boy... i wrote to rob to remind him that im still waiting for his valentines present from lastyear... i told him i should buy myself a present.. told him i should make myself feel loved.. andhe wrote back.. well see about that... hinting that theres a present comming... my god the boy has said hell send me one.. a hundred time... 154 months of knowing him and nothing.. he cant even call me when he says he will??? Nick is still emailing every day.. I wish i had his number already.. not sure why i havent asked.. guess i like keeping it slow.. not sure why.. but if i had his number.. i could be chatting to him now... but no... im online... chating to girlfriends??? Wheres a good boy to flirt with when you need one??? Ok well ive gone on for ages... its 1030 and i havent even fed myself yet.... Hope everyones well Love Me
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Mersondol forte fuzziness
2nd day of sickness.. cept now the pain is just a dull pressure in my skull... I went to the doctor.. to ask if there was anything other than drugs that could help me... being that my liver or whatever is going to die with all the pain killers i take and he said.. pretty much no.. that i have a condition and that medication is all that can help with the pain.. he then prescribed me forte version of the stuff i usually take and yeah... now not only am i still taking drugs but im taking heavier stuff so in the end not even the simple stuff is gonna work anymore.. not that the simple stuff does.. but you know what i mean... ill be even more ummm whats the word for it... immune.... resistant... fun fun fun... Having said that the forte stuff is interesting... the pain has changed.. i can feel its still there.. under the surface.. but its being smootherd... and im feeling all fuzzy.. even walking feels fuzzy.. like im floating... very very weird... So tomorrow ill be back at work... hopefully... i have my PDF on thursday... hate that ive been sick in the week leading up to it... makes me stress about the boss.. which doesnt help with headaches... its a shit cycle.. the last few days have been hard.. feeling very alone.. before this ive always had someone aroudn to fuss over me.. ie my mum and now that shes gone im alone.. and being sick is sooooooo not fun when you dont have someone caring bout you... Robs been sending me im worried msgs but its all just talk... if he cared.. hed be here... he hasnt even called me.. we havent talked... Nick is struggling to send me emails everyday.. saying he has nothing to say but fears that if he doesnt email.. he could lose me... and that .. using a fishing analogy... he hasnt had a nibble for so long that hes scared if he doesnt hold onto me.. he might lose me... cute.. kinda makes me smile on the inside... I feel like i should be doing something productive with my time... since its not 38 degrees today... but the cloud over my head that is mersondol forte is eating away at any motivation i have... I swear if the dogs bark one more time.. im going to strangle them... headaches and dogs communicating is a very very bad thing.. specially as it requires more noise ie me telling them off to shut them up... I wish uni had started already.. im all pumped to start... i told myself id organise the last years folders today... but like i said.. no motivation... i swear im drowning in this stuff... sorry if this entry is abit weird... im not quite sure what im talking bout... Might just go nap some more... Love you all |
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Im sick....
I have a ridiculously bad headache.. playing bball in 38 degree weather is just stupid... and this hot weather isnt helping at all... im sure my boss isnt going to be happy with me taking the day off but considering that i have to squint to write this let alone see.. then im thinking im justified.. i would be in bed sleeping it off if it wasnt sooo ridiculously hot... am hating my body right now... Im feeling abit better emotionally today.. think it was getting out and seeing my mates at bball.. and geting an email from Nick and Paul.. makes me feel loved... havent heard from rob since yesterday.. which is good.. enables me to think clearly... I have a doctors appointment in an hour... must go lie down for 15 mins... Hope everyones doing better than me.. Love miss
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feeling rather blahh
Im all frustrated and bored.. and lonely... Robs been msging me a fair bit including a rather long i miss you im sick of my life txt this morning... I ignored it.. feeling confident that i can move on... then i get online and chat to nick.. who is kinda the only new single person im getting to know at this point.. we had a good convo.. but he had to run and i was left online alone again.. its 3pm... i could have a shower and head to the shops before all closes but im not gonna.. im probably going to go back to bed and sleep through my disappointment in my life... Im thinking bout rob again... im lonely and im scared ill just take him back... cos hes the only one who shows me attention... all my friends are busy... my life is sooooo blah... |
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Drama, drama and drama... and all boy related....
Ok what a huge weekend.. or atleast i didnt think it was til i jumped on here... Ok so last week was interesting when i caught up with my ex and realised i dont think ill ever be over him... well i mean i dont want him but i do not want to know that hes with anyone else... 6 years after we break up and it makes me physically ill to think about some other chick touching him... Then i had the 18th bday.. which actually turned out to be heaps of fun... i realised that even though most of my mates there were just turning 18 theyve all got substance... I must admit ive never been impressed with ppl under 22.. generally... i dont even want to know how bad i was back then... but these girls are wonderful... So yeah it was a good night... I met the girls old coach... who was the only person close to my age there... we chatted all night and it was clear he was interested... hes not bad at all and im sure hes a beautiful man.. but im not sure that there was enough there for me to follow through.. or that worse im only considering it cos im lonely... who knows.. but the girls seem interested in making sure we meet up again so well see... Then in one of my dumber moments.. well no not dumb cos its started the ball rolling.. then again that might be why its dumb.. i got tika to call rob.. to see if he'd answer and sure enough he did... she and another drunk mate talked to him for 15 mins.. asking why he hadnt called me for 3 weeks.. he basically said that i hadnt been contacting him.. even tho ive emailed.. called txted and sent him bday cards... but anyways it was just a whole heap of excuses again... I got online today and yup... heres the email i got from rob.... ....wow.Thanks at least you bothered.Yea not dead yet.I stayed in touch with All just excuses again... i wrote back.. and stupid me left it open.. but im mad.. and im glad im mad... he deserves mad... i deserve better than him... its all just bullshit and one day ill meet someone whos worth me.. or ill just get strong enough to ignore him completely... Nick wrote back to me.. he seems like a nice boy.. still msging through a site rather than through his email.. bit weird.. ohh well... is nice to get something.. Yesterday i went to the movies with P and it was ummmm interesting.. the movie i mean... We went and saw the fountain.. and i pretty much had a huh??? look on my face the whole way through... it was weird... It was really nice meeting P finally since weve known each other for a while on here and hes my most regular commentor... Hes a sweet guy... very sorry i caused him trouble with his girl.. hope that gets worked out.. would be nice to keep my movie buddy... god i hate going tot he movies by myself... ANyways i better get going.. an hour til 'so you think you can dance'.... love that show... Hope alls well Luv Miss ....wow.Thanks at least you bothered.Yea not dead yet.I stayed in touch with
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my boring week
I cant say much has happened this week.. im kind of just existing... Monday i had a good game at bball.. felt like i was in it more.. feel like im generally in it more actually.. was the same on wed... a good game.. watched the boys play ball on monday and chatted to shane another guy i used to know.. was an ok night but nothing too exciting... wed... someone died on the train line.. we get that alot on the dande line.. meant the train didnt go past oakleigh.. and cos i have no one else.. i called the ex... he came to save me again.. but probably wouldve been better off not seeing him.. hes happy.. living with a gf of 8 months... i hate it that since him and i broke up.. hes always had a gf.. either Amber who i hated.. who he was with and nearly married.. for 5 years.. and now this new chick who hes living with... ive never had a bf who i could live with... nothing that serious since i lived on my own.. kinda gets you down... I have a party to go to tonight... an 18th... one of the girls in my team.. should be interesting tho im feeling abit like an outsider... dont know what to expect... Finally seeing a movie with Paul tomorrow.. will be good to meet him... finally... Nick emailed me again... twas nice getting something... he seems like a nice guy... Nothing from rob... 3 weeks now... Gotta go eat.. im starving :OP PS. thanks Paul for making my phone talk the last few days, as been sweet :O) |
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mmm tonights been interesting... Ive spent today alone.. all that excitement of yesterday.. all that attention.. and now.. until 12am... ive been all alone and feeling it... Sleep for half the day today.. did some cooking... realised im another 1/2 kilo fatter this week... ohh my god i so need to turn that around.. losing all that just lost weight confidence.. Another day and no hear from Rob... im actually abit dead to it all.. funnily enough.. not used to that.. thinking about him more cos im feeling lonely... but hopefully that will pass.. Im going to make an effort to leave my house tomorrow.. go and do some shopping and cuddle my horse... i need to get active again... the weathers been abit average this weekend... rainy and muggy.. yaaay for all the rain with all the fires and such but its bad for me and my horse... my lack of exercise and his fattness.. hopefully it wont be too stinking hot and i can atleast walk to Melb central after work again... i used to like that... and bball starts up again this week.. well 2 games a week.. which will be good.. ive missed it... and next weeks Ozzy day so friday off... yaaaay... mmm i actually really have nothing to say.. life has been boring and lacking in motivation this weekend.. and no boys have been msging me... my mobile doesnt even make a bloody sound.. not one.. all weekend... no body loves me hehe.. cept Ez who is currently trying to get to talk dirty on the net to him and im just not interested :oP guess its my fault.. spent most of last night teasing while he was at work and couldnt really respond... cant blame the boy for trying to restart something now that hes in the privacy of his own home and free to tease me back lol Ohh my god im bored.. sooooo bored.. was hoping someone else would not have a life.. just like me and come on line.. but no.. no ones home.. everyones out.. and im bored!!!!!!!!!!! PS sory for the boring entry.....
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bouncy
sick
confused
bored