missas_fable (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} missas_fable) wrote,@ 2007-07-09 14:02:00 |
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Beware... im in a massive depression hole....
I thought the drugs had fixed everything... i thought i was magically better.. but clearly i am not.. for i am in a magnificently deep hole... and im having a hugely difficult time digging my way out of it...
On friday i made the mistake of admitting that my dog was sick and that i couldnt just wait 6 months til i had money to fix her... so i a psyco freaked out state i found out that the operation would cost $700 and began hitting up my banks for cash... fortunately national came to the rescue.. and gave me cash and the dog was booked in... saturday i woke up and i was a gonner.. i was soooooo down... horribly down... i went to my grandmas and was a horrible horrible guest... massively depressed and snappy.. and just crapp... which ended in my sitting at the kitchen table balling my eyes out.. at which time i had to run to a back room cos i was sooo embarrassed.. my grandma came in and crawled up onto the bed to hold me while i cried uncontrollably for however long.. til all the hair at the back of my neck was soaking wet... finally i got to the point where i could go back out into the kitchen.. and everyone was sooo nice to me... which i appreciate it... see my family never got it.. well not my mum anyways .. my whole life she just told me to get happy.. like its a choice.. but my aunty/friend understands.. as does my uncle.. and it was soooo good to have them back me up when my grandma said i should just 'get happy'... its not that easy.. if it was... i would be fixed now... no one would be depressed...
but anyways.. i had ebony over with me on sat night.. for the company and the opertunity to distract myself.. it kind of worked.. but not fully.. i drove her back to grandmas and on the way home last night i was in a car accident... my fault cos i shouldnt have been driving.. my head wasnt right for it... i didnt even see it happen thats how messed up i was.. luckily no car or ppl damage.. so hopefully i dont get hit up for anything.. cos that would really help me... i drove home... bawling my eyes out... dying to get home.. then i get home and check my email and my dad has msged me out of the blue telling me hes in melb and wants to see me... we havent seen each other for 7 years... i wrote back telling him how damaged i am and that the stress of meeting him probably wouldnt help at all... he hasnt written back at all...
so im home today.. and im not better.. not at all... tomorrow im going to the doctors.. and goldie is having her operation... so besides the scare that she may not make it through theres the off chance that if she does the bloods they will be taking will tell me she has kidney failure or cancer or some other horrible thing... so yeah... knowing my luck...........
I thought the drugs had fixed everything... i thought i was magically better.. but clearly i am not.. for i am in a magnificently deep hole... and im having a hugely difficult time digging my way out of it...
On friday i made the mistake of admitting that my dog was sick and that i couldnt just wait 6 months til i had money to fix her... so i a psyco freaked out state i found out that the operation would cost $700 and began hitting up my banks for cash... fortunately national came to the rescue.. and gave me cash and the dog was booked in... saturday i woke up and i was a gonner.. i was soooooo down... horribly down... i went to my grandmas and was a horrible horrible guest... massively depressed and snappy.. and just crapp... which ended in my sitting at the kitchen table balling my eyes out.. at which time i had to run to a back room cos i was sooo embarrassed.. my grandma came in and crawled up onto the bed to hold me while i cried uncontrollably for however long.. til all the hair at the back of my neck was soaking wet... finally i got to the point where i could go back out into the kitchen.. and everyone was sooo nice to me... which i appreciate it... see my family never got it.. well not my mum anyways .. my whole life she just told me to get happy.. like its a choice.. but my aunty/friend understands.. as does my uncle.. and it was soooo good to have them back me up when my grandma said i should just 'get happy'... its not that easy.. if it was... i would be fixed now... no one would be depressed...
but anyways.. i had ebony over with me on sat night.. for the company and the opertunity to distract myself.. it kind of worked.. but not fully.. i drove her back to grandmas and on the way home last night i was in a car accident... my fault cos i shouldnt have been driving.. my head wasnt right for it... i didnt even see it happen thats how messed up i was.. luckily no car or ppl damage.. so hopefully i dont get hit up for anything.. cos that would really help me... i drove home... bawling my eyes out... dying to get home.. then i get home and check my email and my dad has msged me out of the blue telling me hes in melb and wants to see me... we havent seen each other for 7 years... i wrote back telling him how damaged i am and that the stress of meeting him probably wouldnt help at all... he hasnt written back at all...
so im home today.. and im not better.. not at all... tomorrow im going to the doctors.. and goldie is having her operation... so besides the scare that she may not make it through theres the off chance that if she does the bloods they will be taking will tell me she has kidney failure or cancer or some other horrible thing... so yeah... knowing my luck...........
