Why · is · it · that · people · always · let · you · down

So i guess the thing with depression is ... you just dont want to function... you have no drive to do anything... including writing in your journal... its been forever since ive written in this thing.. but today im forcing myself too.. mainly cos alots been happening to me and ive been hiding it.. or more avoiding it... and i figure its better if the ppl around me know... well i think it is.. maybe...

For many years now ive suffered from depression.. and it mainly affects me when im stressed and life isnt going so well.. which pretty much includes the last 3 years... anyways ive been to the doctors and to a psychiatrist.. done all that... but ive always avoided taking antidepressants cos well i take so many drugs for my tumor that i just dont wanna be taking more.. and i guess theres the stigma of taking them... i mean... how do you tell ppl that youre down enough to be medicated?? Ive never been down enough to the point of wanting to kill myself... let me say that clearly.. but i do get to the point where i just cant get out of bed... which has been the case this past two months... This past Wed i woke up feeling rather down... and literally forced myself to function.. to get up, have a shower and go to the train station... i got there.. and the trains were all farked up because of a derailment at Oakleigh... and that was it.. i couldnt handle bus transfers and being surrounded by people... i got in my car and went back home and straight to bed... I guess ive been down for a while.. but cos i was keeping myself busy at work or with ball.. i kept my head above water... but being home alone... well i pretty much hit rock bottom... i made an appointment to see the doctor and was only going to talk about the headaches ive been having... and i pretty much started crying the moment i got into her office... long story short.. im on antidepressants.. the doc gave me 3 weeks worth.. and told me that if i come back she might be able to give me more... (this was after i told her i dont even have the money to keep buying them.. even tho its apparently $15 and month...) I left the surgery and barely made it too my car before i collapsed.. and spent the next 30 minutes bawling my eyes out... I guess i had it coming... and that i was just pushing it aside...

This entry is abit all over the place.. my brains not really working...

When i think about my life.. I can see that things in it are good.. but i dont feel like they are... Im very thankful that i have my family.... my grandparents, my uncle, amy and eb... but i also see that i dont have my mum... until i hit rock bottom and scared the crap out of her.. my mum pretty much didnt even call me... each week shed tell me shed call and then on the monday id get an email saying sorry i didnt call i was gardening.. or something.. some pathetic reason that should never come before her daughter.. but none the less the reason she gives... it took me breaking down and being medicated for her to realise i was a mess.. which is very sad considering we used to be best friends...

And i guess the second biggest thing is my money issues... i am sooo beyond in debt... scrimping and saving.. trying to work out how im going to pay my rego in a month and my insurance in two... although i dont openly think about it every second.. i know its in the back of my subconscious.. eating away at me... never leaving me.. Im suprised my body hasnt physically collapsed under it all.. i guess i should be thankful for that...

I have an assignment due in 2 weeks that i havent been able to start... my rounds are in 2 weeks too... and i just cant seem to function... guess well just have to see if these drugs make a difference...